Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Break starts now! I’ve hit rock bottom!

You suggested it, so I’m doing it. I’m taking my first break from poker in I don’t know how long it’s been, 2 years, 3 years, I really don’t know?

Since the last post I felt like such a degenerate player it’s absurd and I’ve lost all respect for myself, it really sucks. This is so hard to admit and I hope I grow from it but I am at the lowest of lows right now. Poker actually hurts, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, I can not think of I positive reason why I should open a game after posting this.

Feels like everything I touch goes wrong. I won’t even talk about bad beats because frankly I’m sick of saying them, and people are sick of hearing them. Unless I flop a straight flush and lose to a runner runner royal I’ll just shut up. Really now one gives a fuck anymore about your nut flush losing to that river 1 outer.

3 days after the last post I 16 tabled 5NL, got up about 3 buy-ins in 15 minutes, then lost I hand which was set over set, and from that moment in the next 10 minutes dropped 13 buy-ins. From there I went straight to 200NL and shortstacked until I went broke. That 1 hand of set over set threw me over the bridge. That’s my state of mind, I’ll lose 1 good hand to a genuine unavoidable cooler, then blow 100% of my roll.

I have just over 8,500 VPPs on Stars and just over $100 in an online gateway account.

I have an idea of what I’m going to do, but I need to walk away from playing at the moment.

Poker is just a massive drop-kick to the guts for me right now. If I could turn around time I would never have drawn my entire roll 18 months ago when I built to over 4K from $1. It would have been better for me to get a credit card or loan than pull my bankroll. It is so hard on my ego to go back to playing for pennies. But with bankroll management and $100 I will have no choice.

What also hurts and makes it so hard for me to play an A game is seeing friends at levels miles beyond me, reading other blogs about people playing/making hundreds or thousands per day while I’m playing the lowest games around. Envy really is one of the 7 deadly sins! I will clarify immediately by saying I am happy for every single friend/blogger I have that plays big games and makes good, very good money, so if you are reading this, which I know some of you are please excuse me, you know me well enough that I wish you all the good fortune in the world. I just wish I had a little.

The only other thing I will say is this is not the end and it is not an admission of quitting. I just need to immerse myself back into work, which starts shortly, leave poker alone, collect my thoughts, and come back motivated and happy.

If you have one of those brainwave ideas I’m all ears, I don’t know when I’ll post again, but I won’t leave it as long as I did last time.

Thank you to all people that commented on the last post and thank you again for reading.

I will be back…….

But for now, I’m off.

Peace
Custo

1 comment:

Steven said...

This is a good idea mate. I've taken several breaks from poker over the years... it's just what you need to resettle, get the hunger back. And if it doesn't come back... then you weren't meant to be playing poker.